Have you ever....

....packed a bag for your child to go to the hospital for an overnight stay?

I know a couple people who have, and until now, I thought I understood - I thought I had enough sympathy and compassion in my heart to get it - at least on some small level. But no. No way. You can't understand this feeling unless you've experienced it. It's painful - I actually have pain in my heart. One more unnatural event in this long process.

Maddie had her follow up blood work yesterday and within an hour of getting home, we already had the news - she has to be readmitted for yet another blood transfusion. Her hemoglobin levels are low, and while her body is producing blood at a good rate, it's just not quite enough to keep up with her growing body. The doctors were threatening a blood transfusion on Madison since before she was discharged from the hospital but were trying hard to avoid it. They put her on vitamins to increase her iron levels and waited it out for a while to see if her blood could catch up with her body - and she came close - just not close enough. I'm not sure what's worse - taking her home 2 weeks ago and now having to bring her back - or leaving the hospital that day with just Melia and having to leave Maddie behind to have this taken care of then instead of now. I'm not SURE what's worse, but I'm pretty sure that THIS is.

She should only need to be there for about 24 hours. I'm taking her late this morning and the first dose of the transfusion should begin early this afternoon - the second dose 12 hours later in the early morning hours tomorrow. Then they'll wait 12 hours and do blood work to check her levels and ensure that all of her levels have increased and reached the appropriate level to allow her to come back home. So I'm hoping to have her back home tomorrow night. Hoping.

Going there today and knowing that after two weeks of no one poking and proding at her - two weeks of being home and getting comfy, cozy & happy in her home - now she has to go back and get poked and proded all over again - it's just sad - sad and unfair to my poor little girl who just can't seem to catch a break.

I know she's strong - she's proven that time and time again. And I know that this is a necessary evil to get her to 100%. I anticipated this, because Maddie has never seemed 100% to me. Mike makes fun of me - calling me "mrs. doom & gloom" when it comes to Maddie because I've been commenting on her not looking right for the past 2 weeks. But I just knew that she'd end up back in that NICU.

I'm going to bring Maddie to the hospital this morning and I'm going to come home tonight without her. As I sit here on my couch right now, typing this with my girls sleeping on either side of me, I just can't imagine sitting here with the boppy pillow to my right being empty. I can't imagine it and I don't want to - but I'm left without a choice.

Tonight isn't going to be easy for me or for Maddie. But really - when's the last time anything was? We'll power through because that's what we do.

So please do whatever it is that you all do - send some prayers, some hopes, some positive vibes - whatever it is that you think will help Maddie get to her 100%.