Boobs, Formula and Missing Pants

So I decided to stop pumping. I struggled with this decision for a while over the guilt that I felt by stopping, but I just had to do it. The pumping had become too much for me. There was no way for me to keep up with the supply that the girls were demanding, and as my surplus supply in the freezer wore down, I became more stressed out about how I was going to handle it all - and with the stress, my milk supply started to diminish even more. So, I made the decision to stop stressing myself out about it. I never wanted to pump. Had the girls been born full term, I wouldn't have. So when I made the decision to pump, because breast milk was the best thing for them while in the NICU, I made it my goal to pump until their due date and then I'd see where my head was at. Well, my due date hit and my head wanted to stop - so I did - and I felt (and still do feel) guilty about it - but to preserve what's left of my sanity, it had to be done. For all you breast feeding loving moms who are outraged that I stopped, don't worry, I was punished accordingly.  I'll say that the milk drying up process is probably the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I'd rather have another c-section than go through that again. My boobs were rock hard, enormous, distorted and throbbing in pain. My sister-in-law put frozen cabbage leafs on her breasts to relieve the pain when she went through it - I got to the point where I'd try anything. So I tried it, but couldn't keep doing it. Once the frozen cabbage leafs made contact with my boobs, they wilted from the heat of my breasts and before long, I was steaming cabbage in my bra. I'm not sure if the cabbage thing is just about putting something cold on your breasts to relieve the pain, or if cabbage itself has some magical power. Regardless, I did it until I couldn't stand my own stench anymore. I can still smell the cabbage on my skin. Gross.


In other news, we took the girls to the pediatric gastroenterologist, Dr. Sunaryo, on Friday to try to get some answers and help with their reflux issues. He listened to my description of their symptoms, then he listened to their chests and tested their stool. After I listed all of Madison's symptoms he was convinced that she did in fact have acid reflux. Once he listened to her chest, he confirmed it. He stated that she may require a stronger medication than the Pepcid that she's already on, but before giving her a stronger medication, he wanted to try some food changes and an increase of the Pepcid. We discussed formula options since the milk that I had stored in the freezer would only last another few days and I had stopped pumping the day prior. He suggested Alimentum, a hypoallergenic formula for babies with colic, food allergies and sensitive stomachs. Melia's issues were of little concern. She spits up and gets irritated after a feeding only here and there. I told the doctor that I couldn't say for certain if Melia even really had reflux or if somethng that I was eating and she was getting through my breast milk was bothering her stomach, since her symptoms seemed so sporatic. Dr. Sunaryo listened to her chest and stated that she does have some level of reflux, but it clearly wasn't as bad as Madison's. He prescribed Pepcid for Melia and said that the formula that I have been using to supplement my breast milk, Neosure, was probably good for her to stay on. He also tested both of the girls stools for traces of blood and they both did have trace amounts of blood in their stool. This could be from the acid reflux irritating their stomachs or it could be an indication of a food allergy, mainly an allergy to dairy or milk-based proteins, which would be found in breast milk regardless of what I was eating. If they are in fact allergic to dairy, then my diet would definitely have an effect on them. I wasn't avoiding dairy by any means. I'd eat cereal in the morning, snack on string cheese during the day, often have dinner that included cheese somewhere in there and sometimes top dinner off with a bowl of ice cream for dessert. So yeah, there was no shortage of dairy in my diet. So as it turns out, changing from breast milk to formula is probably the better thing for them at this point and Dr. Sunaryo told me to start the girls on formula right away and not to use what I had left in the freezer. We were sent home with a new food plan for the girls, Pepcid increase for Maddie and starting it for Melia, and a follow up appointment in 10 days to check their stools again and see where they stand with their reflux symptoms.


On our way home we stopped to get some Alimentum for Maddie. One can of the powdered formula, not even the pre-made stuff, was $27! Wow. I calculated that this would last about 6 days while Maddie is taking only 70mls (a little more than 2 ounces) every 3 hours. Once her feedings get increased to 4, 6, and 8 ounces, we're screwed! But, we gotta do what we gotta do. So we get home and start Maddie up on the Alimentum immediately. We gave her the Alimentum for approximately 12 feedings, about a day and a half. Her feedings got progressively slower, taking upwards of 45 minutes (after 30 minutes, she begins to burn more calories than she is taking in, so a 45 minute feeding takes more from her than she gets out of it). She was refusing to take her bottle and when she would, she'd spit most of it out as she was eating. Taking all of her bottles in full is very important for Madison because we're trying to boost her weight. Late Saturday night, after having to syringe half of her feeding into her mouth because she wouldn't accept the bottle, I said enough is enough. For the next feeding I switched her to the Neosure that Melia is on and she took that bottle in 10 minutes flat - like she was starving! I felt so bad. Here I was giving her this special formula, trying to make things better for her, and it only made things worse. So yesterday and last night she took all of her feedings without a problem - but from 2am on, the aftermath from the feedings were something awful. I was up all night with her, trying to console her. She was screaming and vommiting all night long, with vomit coming out of her nose and everything. It was so sad and so hard to witness her in so much pain. And all last night and this morning it seemed that everytime we had her calmed down after a feeding, it was just about time for the next feeding - and the cycle would start back up all over again. Last night was the worst I've seen her since the first days that she was home. So this morning I called Dr. Sunaryo and he was torn as to whether to just start Maddie on the stronger acid reflux medication, or to try another formula. He decided to try another formala - this time, an even more expensive formula, Elecare, which costs about $65 per can, but can be purchased through and paid for by my insurance. PHEW! It's a partially digested formula which is pre-digested and broken down so much that it's much easier on the stomach. I called one of the social workers from the NICU and she said that they had a can of this formula on hand that they could give me as a sample so I could try it right away and see if she will tolerate it before I order it through my insurance company. So this afternoon I went to the hospital to pick up this new formula and we tried it out for the first time during her 2pm feeding. She took it, but reluctantly - and she was actually pretty good afterwards. The 5pm feeding took a lot of effort to get down, but finally, she took it. She spit some of it up, but she seems to be doing a little bit better than she was doing with the Alimentum, so we'll see what happens as the night goes on. If the night doesn't go well, I'll call Dr. Sunaryo in the morning and see what the next plan of action is. In the meantime, watching Madison go through all this while we find the magic potion of food and medicine for her is pain-staking. 

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**Notable landmark for the weekend - Melia finally took a bath on Saturday night (8/22/09) without screaming through the whole thing. She actually looked like she semi-enjoyed it!


**Notable Mommy and Daddy exchange for the day - here's a recap of a conversation had by me and Mike today. I went to the hospital to get Maddie's new formula and Mike stayed home with the girls. When I got home, it was feeding time. So I picked up Madison and noticed that she was in a onesie with no pants on. This is what happened:


Me: Where are Madison's pants?
Mike: What do you mean?
Me: Oh, they're here - underneath her. Why are Madison's pants off? What happens here when I'm not around?
Mike: I have no idea how her pants came off...she must've taken them off herself.


HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't stop laughing even as I type this. Mike doesn't think it's so funny - he said that I'm over-tired and delerious, but seriously - my husband just told me that my 11 week old daughter who can barely move somehow managed to take her pants off. That's pretty awesome.