The girls had their high risk infant follow up appointment at the hospital today. At these appointments they're seen by Dr. Kamtorn, their neonatologist from the NICU. They're also seen by a physical therapist who does a few exercises with them to see where they stand with their developmental and motor skills. So today we saw the physical therapist first. She laid the girls on a mat on the floor and went through the different motor skills with them - testing their hand/eye coordination, their reaching/grabbing, their eye tracking, their rolling, their ability to hold their heads up, their grip/neck/trunk/leg strength - and in the end they "passed with flying colors" - her words. :-) While Maddie is better at rolling, since she can roll herself completely over from back to belly - Lia is better at reaching and grabbing. They are individuals, and so, they each have their own strengths and weaknesses. After physical therapy was over we moved back into the exam room for height/weight checks and a physical exam. I was suprised that Madison's weight hadn't changed since her appointment at the pediatrician a week and a half ago, in fact, she dropped 2 ounces - but, in all fairness, different scales produce different results so I can't get hung up on that (we'll talk more about my hang ups in a minute). Maddie weighed in at 13lbs 5oz and measured at 25 3/4 inches long - this puts her in the 25th percentile for her weight and the 75-90th percentile for her length. Lia weighed in at, get this, 15lbs 1oz - FIFTEEN POUNDS! - I can't believe how big she is - and she measured at 27 1/2 inches long - putting her in the 50th percentile for her weight and above the 95th percentile for her length, even her chronological age! It's funny because when the nurse, Debbie (who I have a very good relationship with and still email with her on a regular basis, so she knows my neuroses) told me that Maddie was only in the 25th percentile for her weight, I guess she saw the disappointment in my face. I try so hard not to do that - not that I don't want to show my disappointment...I don't want to even BE disappointed. It's not fair to them. And for the most part, my logical side shines through and I understand that they are growing and learning and doing really exceptionally well. But every now and then I get a case of what I call "preemie mom syndrome".  All moms make comparisons with their children against others - comparing their own children with the children of friends or family that are the same, or nearly the same age. Who's kid is crawling, walking, talking, how many words they can say, how well they focus, how well they listen, how well they eat, how well they sleep - the list goes on and on and on. We just can't help ourselves. Me? I have a double case of the comparisons. I compare the girls against each other, which I know I shouldn't do, but is nearly impossible not to do. And, again, as much as I know I shouldn't do it, I compare them against other children their age - both their gestational and their chronological age. What should a typical 5 month old be doing? And I go through the checklist and then wonder why the girls haven't reached certain developmental milestones. Then I ask myself, which I REALLY shouldn't do, what should a typical 7 1/2 month old be doing? And knowing very well that this is an unfair comparison, I make it anyway. There are parts of me that long for them to miraculously catch up - a completely unrealistic and impossible thing to long for - and that's where preemie mom syndrome comes in. As a preemie mom you have to learn to adjust to the adjusted age thing. When your child is almost 8 months old and people ask if they're crawling, if they're sitting up, if they're doing all those typical things that an 8 month old should be doing...and you say no, because technically, your child isn't 8 months old and so then you need to explain that they're not doing those things because developmentally they're 5 months old...because those 11 weeks that they were born early count as time that should've been spent in the womb and that time doesn't count towards developmental age. It's a tough adjustment to make - sometimes, more than others - and sometimes it causes frustration with not only myself and other people, but with the girls too. A couple recent examples where my preemie mom syndrome has overruled my logical thinking...

The girls are spoon feeding now - well, attempting to spoon feed now. I know I mentioned in the last blog that we're working on this more consistently now. So before every bottle we try to give the girls a bit of cereal by spoon - and they just aren't into it. I found myself complaining to a friend the other day and using the words, they aren't "getting it" - complaining about how I just want it to click with them already and I immediately felt wrong for saying that. It can just get so frustrating - mixing the cereal to different consistencies to try to find that right texture that will make them want to eat it. Trying all sorts of tricks to get it to "click".  The friend that I was talking to had a preemie of his own (who is now 7 years old and super healthy and active) and he said the perfect thing - "relax, it isn't a race, they'll get there" - and he's 100% right. They're learning - and they're trying - and that's fine by me. Even Debbie said today that spoon feeding is still a little early for them because they're not even 6 months old yet according to their adjusted age. Melia is actually starting to get it over the past day or two - and Maddie just today had her best oatmeal eating performance. It will come, I know that - my syndrome just needs a friendly reminder every now and then. 

My other example is something that I struggle with on a regular basis. The girls age. When people ask how old they are I struggle with what to say - and any preemie mom knows exactly what I mean - and everyone else thinks this struggle is ridiculous. Here's the deal on this...when people ask how old they are and I tell the truth, the chronological truth - 7 1/2 months old - I get the same exact reaction - "oh my, they're soooo small" - and then I have this overwhelming need to explain, which I can't stand about both myself and the situation. It's none of anyone's business. Maybe I just have small children. Big deal. And quite frankly, people that make remarks on any level are rude and I should really just smile and walk away without feeling the need to explain anything at all. But I don't, because I can't...because I have preemie mom syndrome. So here's the kicker. Last week at the pediatrician's office a woman asked me how old the girls were - and in an effort to avoid the inevitable explanation that I'd feel obligated to hand out - I told her that the girls were 4 1/2 months old, going by their adjusted age. And what did the woman say? "Oh wow, they're so big!" - I just looked at Mike, who put his head down and laughed at me (because he doesn't have preemie dad syndrome), and I said "I can't win" - haha.

Overall, the girls are doing excellent. They are both exactly where they should be according to their adjusted age of almost 5 months old. In Dr. Kamtorn's words..."they're perfect - with no real signs of being preemies" - and I know that they are, but I'm biased, so I needed to hear it from the experts - and I'm so glad that they all confirmed what I already knew, but unintentionally allowed my preemie mom syndrome to make me second guess. Everyone commented today on how happy they are, how beautiful they are and how fantastic they are doing. I have to gorgeous, healthy, active little girls and I need to remember that I don't have a single thing to complain about. Bottom line is this...my daughters are exceptional - they are perfect - and I...need to find a pill to curb my preemie mom syndrome. ;-)

Rolling into 2010

Once again, it’s been way too long since I’ve had the chance to blog. I feel like the girls have done so much in the past month. Every day it seems that they are doing something new.

Maddie on the left, Lia on the right

Maddie being adorable on our way out to the mall on NYE

Lia loves her new hat!

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We left off just after Thanksgiving. At that point the girls were smiling more and more, laughing here and there and Melia had just showed some interest in reaching and grabbing. What a difference a month makes! Now, they don’t stop smiling – they even wake up smiling! They are talking all the time, and by talking, I mean not only babbling, but making shrilling screams! I really need to teach them about how to use their inside voices…especially Maddie – she’s definitely the talker/screecher. They laugh all the time, and anything within reaching distance is in their hands and then immediately in their mouths. Including my hair, which Melia got an incredible grip on today, started swinging it and laughed in my face as I tried to free my hair from her remarkably strong grip. I keep saying that Melia is no doubt going to be the trouble maker of the two, and that just gave me a little more proof of her evil nature! ;-) They’re definitely teething, though no teeth have quite poked through yet, they are drooling like little saint bernards and constantly have something in their mouths, and if they can’t find something within reach, well, that’s what hands are made for, right? Their temperament hasn’t changed yet or anything like that, but I’m bracing myself for double teething fun in the coming weeks. They’re taking their binkies in and out of their mouths now. Of course, not really knowing how to get it back in their mouths the right way, this leads to some frustration, but they’re getting better at it.

Speaking of frustration, we’ve learned that Madison is, as of right now, the more determined one. She was trying so hard to roll over for weeks…and you could see the determination in her eyes…and when she wasn’t able to do it, she’d get so frustrated. Until one day, it happened! Other than being born first, this is the first thing that Maddie has done before Melia – she rolled over from back to front! The first time she did it she was in her crib (on December 18th) and she had just eaten. I was in the kitchen washing bottles and listening to the usual morning babbles and screeching from the two of them. Maddie started screeching a little louder and differently than usual, so I went upstairs to check on her and sure enough, she had rolled over and couldn’t figure out how to get her elbows underneath her, so she couldn’t lift her head. She was so frustrated! Even though she’d rolled over, she couldn’t quite get the tucking of the elbow thing down. But, nonetheless, she did it!! She made her first big roll – and no one was there to see it! Over the next couple weeks, she would roll over here and there, but never in front of anyone! Then slowly but surely she was doing it often enough throughout the day that Mike got to see her do it, but she was still not letting me see it. I begged her. I set up the video camera and left the room. Nothing. She knew I was watching! Until finally just this past Thursday (January 7th) she gave me the big show! She can’t always get the elbow thing together, but she’s getting more consistent with it. Unlike Madison, Melia has only recently, that being in the past week or so, showed a true interest in rolling over. Up until now, she would try for a second, realize that it would take a lot of effort to get it done and she’d immediately, and happily, give up. She was content with just staying where she was and not striving for that extra goal. But now, she’s so determined to roll over that she’s trying to cheat! Yup, told you she’s a trouble maker – she’s cheating already! She will grab onto the bar of the playmat, the side of the playgym or even grab on to Madison’s hand to try to pull herself over. This move is smart, but sneaky. Haha.

On December 10th we tried spoon feeding for the first time. I've been putting oatmeal in their bottles for months now, and even though they were chronologically 6 months old, but actually about 3 months old developmentally, our pediatrician wanted us to give spoon feeding a whirl and see how they did. It didn't go so well. They both had no idea what to do with the goop in their mouths (which was rice cereal by the way) and they couldn't really understand that we wanted them to open their mouths when the spoon approached. Now that they're another month old, and love putting things in their mouths, we're trying again. Melia seems to be getting it, kind of. Maddie still wants nothing to do with it - but, it's a work in progress. We'll get there.

Another thing we learned is that Maddie loves to be scared! This video says it all….

And to the contrary, Melia is definitely not a fan of the daddy says boo game! I was uploading that video on the computer and had Melia on my lap. As the video came up and played, Melia started watching it and immediately started crying hysterically. She was so terrified – just by watching Mike on video scaring Maddie. I felt so bad for her, but couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction to it. (Okay, so maybe we see where Melia gets her evil streak from) ;-)

The girls had their final appointment with the gastroenterologist on December 29th. Dr. Sunaryo declared them gastro graduates and doesn’t need to see them anymore! What great news! He was so happy with their weight gain since their last appointment a couple months ago – and they hadn’t taken their Pepcid since about December 8th and hadn’t had any acid reflux episodes, so he officially took them off of the Pepcid.

Then of course the girls have been to the pediatrician twice since I last blogged for their synagis shot (RSV vaccine). It’s so amazing to see the girls personalities even shine through in a moment like that. Maddie handles getting shots so much better than Melia does – and we attribute that to all that she had been through in the NICU. Melia sailed right through without a single procedure and so I don’t think that she can handle the poking and proding quite as well as Maddie does. At their last appointment, just this past Thursday (January 7th) they had to get the synagis shot broken up into two injections because of their weight. The have both been doing so well with their weight gain. As of Thursday, Maddie is weighing in at 13lbs 7oz and Melia is 14lbs 11oz – still a little more than one pound between them, but recently we can visibly notice that Maddie is catching up to Lia! They’re in size 2 diapers now and wearing 3-6 month clothing, leaning towards the 6 month side. They turned 7 months old on Tuesday (January 5th) and while they’re developmental skills are definitely parallel to where they should be according to their adjusted age of 4 months, they seem to be catching up size-wise to their chronological age.

The last month has been a busy one with the synagis appointments and other doctor appointments, and of course, with the girls’ first Christmas! We decided not to get professional pictures done for their first Christmas pictures, and in the picture to the right, Melia is proving exactly why we made that decision. Mike worked his usual 24 hour shift on Christmas Eve, and I worked also, but only for what boiled down to a half day. The girls and I spent Christmas Eve at Grandpa and Grandma Rosie’s house and we had a great dinner and the girls got their first Christmas gifts. Christmas morning Mike got home at about 7am and we exchanged our gifts while the girls were still sleeping. Then when they let us know that they were ready to see what santa left them under the tree, we did just that. With their new love of grabbing, I was able to get them to grab a piece of wrapping paper so I could make them “unwrap” their gifts. They obviously had no clue what was going on, but for Mike and I, it was a fantastic morning. I picked up Grandma (my mom) and brought her back to the house for breakfast. Then we all went to Aunt Riss and Uncle Joe’s for Christmas dinner. The day after Christmas was our busiest day, with lots of places to go. We started our day with breakfast at Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Tracy’s house, then had lunch with Aunt Gel and Uncle Bri and then made our last stop for dinner at Nana’s. It was an exhausting, but fun day and the girls handled the car rides, the being off schedule and the general chaos remarkably well.

Lia on the left and Maddie on the right

The two best gifts I've ever had under my tree

We did make a quick trip to the mall to get a picture with Santa,

unfortunately, all 3 of them look pretty uninterested.

Christmas night...Lia on left, Maddie on right

Maddie on Christmas Eve

Lia on Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve

Lia on left, Maddie on right

Christmas afternoon

Lia on left, Maddie on right
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On New Years Eve we stayed in – just the 4 of us. Mike and I made dinner and had a little at home date night – spending a lot of time reminiscing about the craziness of the past year – 2009 had more ups and downs than I can count – to call it a roller coaster would be a complete understatement. From preterm labor at 23 weeks into my pregnancy, multiple hospitalizations with me ultimately becoming a permanent resident of the high risk anti-partum unit at St. Barnabas, going into true labor and delivering the girls by way of an emergency c-section on June 5th, at 29 weeks 1day gestation, 8 full weeks of watching our little girls fight their way through the NICU, bringing them home and learning how to become a real parent, and not just a hospital parent, constant doctor appointments, formula issues, milk allergies, figuring it all out, apnea monitors, an overnight stay at the hospital for Maddie’s blood transfusion, an emergency room visit for Maddie for possible RSV…the list of what we’ve been through this year just goes on and on. But as we look back, we can’t be anything other than thankful for where we are, going into 2010. There were times over the past year, during my pregnancy and then during their first few weeks of life, that I really didn’t know if we would all make it through. But we did. We all did. And 10 days into 2010, I can already see what an amazing year this is going to be as we watch Maddie and Lia grow, learn, and develop their personalities. I just can’t wait to know the person that each of them will become.