The girls had their high risk infant follow up appointment at the hospital today. At these appointments they're seen by Dr. Kamtorn, their neonatologist from the NICU. They're also seen by a physical therapist who does a few exercises with them to see where they stand with their developmental and motor skills. So today we saw the physical therapist first. She laid the girls on a mat on the floor and went through the different motor skills with them - testing their hand/eye coordination, their reaching/grabbing, their eye tracking, their rolling, their ability to hold their heads up, their grip/neck/trunk/leg strength - and in the end they "passed with flying colors" - her words. :-) While Maddie is better at rolling, since she can roll herself completely over from back to belly - Lia is better at reaching and grabbing. They are individuals, and so, they each have their own strengths and weaknesses. After physical therapy was over we moved back into the exam room for height/weight checks and a physical exam. I was suprised that Madison's weight hadn't changed since her appointment at the pediatrician a week and a half ago, in fact, she dropped 2 ounces - but, in all fairness, different scales produce different results so I can't get hung up on that (we'll talk more about my hang ups in a minute). Maddie weighed in at 13lbs 5oz and measured at 25 3/4 inches long - this puts her in the 25th percentile for her weight and the 75-90th percentile for her length. Lia weighed in at, get this, 15lbs 1oz - FIFTEEN POUNDS! - I can't believe how big she is - and she measured at 27 1/2 inches long - putting her in the 50th percentile for her weight and above the 95th percentile for her length, even her chronological age! It's funny because when the nurse, Debbie (who I have a very good relationship with and still email with her on a regular basis, so she knows my neuroses) told me that Maddie was only in the 25th percentile for her weight, I guess she saw the disappointment in my face. I try so hard not to do that - not that I don't want to show my disappointment...I don't want to even BE disappointed. It's not fair to them. And for the most part, my logical side shines through and I understand that they are growing and learning and doing really exceptionally well. But every now and then I get a case of what I call "preemie mom syndrome".  All moms make comparisons with their children against others - comparing their own children with the children of friends or family that are the same, or nearly the same age. Who's kid is crawling, walking, talking, how many words they can say, how well they focus, how well they listen, how well they eat, how well they sleep - the list goes on and on and on. We just can't help ourselves. Me? I have a double case of the comparisons. I compare the girls against each other, which I know I shouldn't do, but is nearly impossible not to do. And, again, as much as I know I shouldn't do it, I compare them against other children their age - both their gestational and their chronological age. What should a typical 5 month old be doing? And I go through the checklist and then wonder why the girls haven't reached certain developmental milestones. Then I ask myself, which I REALLY shouldn't do, what should a typical 7 1/2 month old be doing? And knowing very well that this is an unfair comparison, I make it anyway. There are parts of me that long for them to miraculously catch up - a completely unrealistic and impossible thing to long for - and that's where preemie mom syndrome comes in. As a preemie mom you have to learn to adjust to the adjusted age thing. When your child is almost 8 months old and people ask if they're crawling, if they're sitting up, if they're doing all those typical things that an 8 month old should be doing...and you say no, because technically, your child isn't 8 months old and so then you need to explain that they're not doing those things because developmentally they're 5 months old...because those 11 weeks that they were born early count as time that should've been spent in the womb and that time doesn't count towards developmental age. It's a tough adjustment to make - sometimes, more than others - and sometimes it causes frustration with not only myself and other people, but with the girls too. A couple recent examples where my preemie mom syndrome has overruled my logical thinking...

The girls are spoon feeding now - well, attempting to spoon feed now. I know I mentioned in the last blog that we're working on this more consistently now. So before every bottle we try to give the girls a bit of cereal by spoon - and they just aren't into it. I found myself complaining to a friend the other day and using the words, they aren't "getting it" - complaining about how I just want it to click with them already and I immediately felt wrong for saying that. It can just get so frustrating - mixing the cereal to different consistencies to try to find that right texture that will make them want to eat it. Trying all sorts of tricks to get it to "click".  The friend that I was talking to had a preemie of his own (who is now 7 years old and super healthy and active) and he said the perfect thing - "relax, it isn't a race, they'll get there" - and he's 100% right. They're learning - and they're trying - and that's fine by me. Even Debbie said today that spoon feeding is still a little early for them because they're not even 6 months old yet according to their adjusted age. Melia is actually starting to get it over the past day or two - and Maddie just today had her best oatmeal eating performance. It will come, I know that - my syndrome just needs a friendly reminder every now and then. 

My other example is something that I struggle with on a regular basis. The girls age. When people ask how old they are I struggle with what to say - and any preemie mom knows exactly what I mean - and everyone else thinks this struggle is ridiculous. Here's the deal on this...when people ask how old they are and I tell the truth, the chronological truth - 7 1/2 months old - I get the same exact reaction - "oh my, they're soooo small" - and then I have this overwhelming need to explain, which I can't stand about both myself and the situation. It's none of anyone's business. Maybe I just have small children. Big deal. And quite frankly, people that make remarks on any level are rude and I should really just smile and walk away without feeling the need to explain anything at all. But I don't, because I can't...because I have preemie mom syndrome. So here's the kicker. Last week at the pediatrician's office a woman asked me how old the girls were - and in an effort to avoid the inevitable explanation that I'd feel obligated to hand out - I told her that the girls were 4 1/2 months old, going by their adjusted age. And what did the woman say? "Oh wow, they're so big!" - I just looked at Mike, who put his head down and laughed at me (because he doesn't have preemie dad syndrome), and I said "I can't win" - haha.

Overall, the girls are doing excellent. They are both exactly where they should be according to their adjusted age of almost 5 months old. In Dr. Kamtorn's words..."they're perfect - with no real signs of being preemies" - and I know that they are, but I'm biased, so I needed to hear it from the experts - and I'm so glad that they all confirmed what I already knew, but unintentionally allowed my preemie mom syndrome to make me second guess. Everyone commented today on how happy they are, how beautiful they are and how fantastic they are doing. I have to gorgeous, healthy, active little girls and I need to remember that I don't have a single thing to complain about. Bottom line is this...my daughters are exceptional - they are perfect - and I...need to find a pill to curb my preemie mom syndrome. ;-)