The girls had their high risk infant follow up appointment at the hospital today. At these appointments they're seen by Dr. Kamtorn, their neonatologist from the NICU. They're also seen by a physical therapist who does a few exercises with them to see where they stand with their developmental and motor skills. So today we saw the physical therapist first. She laid the girls on a mat on the floor and went through the different motor skills with them - testing their hand/eye coordination, their reaching/grabbing, their eye tracking, their rolling, their ability to hold their heads up, their grip/neck/trunk/leg strength - and in the end they "passed with flying colors" - her words. :-) While Maddie is better at rolling, since she can roll herself completely over from back to belly - Lia is better at reaching and grabbing. They are individuals, and so, they each have their own strengths and weaknesses. After physical therapy was over we moved back into the exam room for height/weight checks and a physical exam. I was suprised that Madison's weight hadn't changed since her appointment at the pediatrician a week and a half ago, in fact, she dropped 2 ounces - but, in all fairness, different scales produce different results so I can't get hung up on that (we'll talk more about my hang ups in a minute). Maddie weighed in at 13lbs 5oz and measured at 25 3/4 inches long - this puts her in the 25th percentile for her weight and the 75-90th percentile for her length. Lia weighed in at, get this, 15lbs 1oz - FIFTEEN POUNDS! - I can't believe how big she is - and she measured at 27 1/2 inches long - putting her in the 50th percentile for her weight and above the 95th percentile for her length, even her chronological age! It's funny because when the nurse, Debbie (who I have a very good relationship with and still email with her on a regular basis, so she knows my neuroses) told me that Maddie was only in the 25th percentile for her weight, I guess she saw the disappointment in my face. I try so hard not to do that - not that I don't want to show my disappointment...I don't want to even BE disappointed. It's not fair to them. And for the most part, my logical side shines through and I understand that they are growing and learning and doing really exceptionally well. But every now and then I get a case of what I call "preemie mom syndrome".  All moms make comparisons with their children against others - comparing their own children with the children of friends or family that are the same, or nearly the same age. Who's kid is crawling, walking, talking, how many words they can say, how well they focus, how well they listen, how well they eat, how well they sleep - the list goes on and on and on. We just can't help ourselves. Me? I have a double case of the comparisons. I compare the girls against each other, which I know I shouldn't do, but is nearly impossible not to do. And, again, as much as I know I shouldn't do it, I compare them against other children their age - both their gestational and their chronological age. What should a typical 5 month old be doing? And I go through the checklist and then wonder why the girls haven't reached certain developmental milestones. Then I ask myself, which I REALLY shouldn't do, what should a typical 7 1/2 month old be doing? And knowing very well that this is an unfair comparison, I make it anyway. There are parts of me that long for them to miraculously catch up - a completely unrealistic and impossible thing to long for - and that's where preemie mom syndrome comes in. As a preemie mom you have to learn to adjust to the adjusted age thing. When your child is almost 8 months old and people ask if they're crawling, if they're sitting up, if they're doing all those typical things that an 8 month old should be doing...and you say no, because technically, your child isn't 8 months old and so then you need to explain that they're not doing those things because developmentally they're 5 months old...because those 11 weeks that they were born early count as time that should've been spent in the womb and that time doesn't count towards developmental age. It's a tough adjustment to make - sometimes, more than others - and sometimes it causes frustration with not only myself and other people, but with the girls too. A couple recent examples where my preemie mom syndrome has overruled my logical thinking...

The girls are spoon feeding now - well, attempting to spoon feed now. I know I mentioned in the last blog that we're working on this more consistently now. So before every bottle we try to give the girls a bit of cereal by spoon - and they just aren't into it. I found myself complaining to a friend the other day and using the words, they aren't "getting it" - complaining about how I just want it to click with them already and I immediately felt wrong for saying that. It can just get so frustrating - mixing the cereal to different consistencies to try to find that right texture that will make them want to eat it. Trying all sorts of tricks to get it to "click".  The friend that I was talking to had a preemie of his own (who is now 7 years old and super healthy and active) and he said the perfect thing - "relax, it isn't a race, they'll get there" - and he's 100% right. They're learning - and they're trying - and that's fine by me. Even Debbie said today that spoon feeding is still a little early for them because they're not even 6 months old yet according to their adjusted age. Melia is actually starting to get it over the past day or two - and Maddie just today had her best oatmeal eating performance. It will come, I know that - my syndrome just needs a friendly reminder every now and then. 

My other example is something that I struggle with on a regular basis. The girls age. When people ask how old they are I struggle with what to say - and any preemie mom knows exactly what I mean - and everyone else thinks this struggle is ridiculous. Here's the deal on this...when people ask how old they are and I tell the truth, the chronological truth - 7 1/2 months old - I get the same exact reaction - "oh my, they're soooo small" - and then I have this overwhelming need to explain, which I can't stand about both myself and the situation. It's none of anyone's business. Maybe I just have small children. Big deal. And quite frankly, people that make remarks on any level are rude and I should really just smile and walk away without feeling the need to explain anything at all. But I don't, because I can't...because I have preemie mom syndrome. So here's the kicker. Last week at the pediatrician's office a woman asked me how old the girls were - and in an effort to avoid the inevitable explanation that I'd feel obligated to hand out - I told her that the girls were 4 1/2 months old, going by their adjusted age. And what did the woman say? "Oh wow, they're so big!" - I just looked at Mike, who put his head down and laughed at me (because he doesn't have preemie dad syndrome), and I said "I can't win" - haha.

Overall, the girls are doing excellent. They are both exactly where they should be according to their adjusted age of almost 5 months old. In Dr. Kamtorn's words..."they're perfect - with no real signs of being preemies" - and I know that they are, but I'm biased, so I needed to hear it from the experts - and I'm so glad that they all confirmed what I already knew, but unintentionally allowed my preemie mom syndrome to make me second guess. Everyone commented today on how happy they are, how beautiful they are and how fantastic they are doing. I have to gorgeous, healthy, active little girls and I need to remember that I don't have a single thing to complain about. Bottom line is this...my daughters are exceptional - they are perfect - and I...need to find a pill to curb my preemie mom syndrome. ;-)

Rolling into 2010

Once again, it’s been way too long since I’ve had the chance to blog. I feel like the girls have done so much in the past month. Every day it seems that they are doing something new.

Maddie on the left, Lia on the right

Maddie being adorable on our way out to the mall on NYE

Lia loves her new hat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We left off just after Thanksgiving. At that point the girls were smiling more and more, laughing here and there and Melia had just showed some interest in reaching and grabbing. What a difference a month makes! Now, they don’t stop smiling – they even wake up smiling! They are talking all the time, and by talking, I mean not only babbling, but making shrilling screams! I really need to teach them about how to use their inside voices…especially Maddie – she’s definitely the talker/screecher. They laugh all the time, and anything within reaching distance is in their hands and then immediately in their mouths. Including my hair, which Melia got an incredible grip on today, started swinging it and laughed in my face as I tried to free my hair from her remarkably strong grip. I keep saying that Melia is no doubt going to be the trouble maker of the two, and that just gave me a little more proof of her evil nature! ;-) They’re definitely teething, though no teeth have quite poked through yet, they are drooling like little saint bernards and constantly have something in their mouths, and if they can’t find something within reach, well, that’s what hands are made for, right? Their temperament hasn’t changed yet or anything like that, but I’m bracing myself for double teething fun in the coming weeks. They’re taking their binkies in and out of their mouths now. Of course, not really knowing how to get it back in their mouths the right way, this leads to some frustration, but they’re getting better at it.

Speaking of frustration, we’ve learned that Madison is, as of right now, the more determined one. She was trying so hard to roll over for weeks…and you could see the determination in her eyes…and when she wasn’t able to do it, she’d get so frustrated. Until one day, it happened! Other than being born first, this is the first thing that Maddie has done before Melia – she rolled over from back to front! The first time she did it she was in her crib (on December 18th) and she had just eaten. I was in the kitchen washing bottles and listening to the usual morning babbles and screeching from the two of them. Maddie started screeching a little louder and differently than usual, so I went upstairs to check on her and sure enough, she had rolled over and couldn’t figure out how to get her elbows underneath her, so she couldn’t lift her head. She was so frustrated! Even though she’d rolled over, she couldn’t quite get the tucking of the elbow thing down. But, nonetheless, she did it!! She made her first big roll – and no one was there to see it! Over the next couple weeks, she would roll over here and there, but never in front of anyone! Then slowly but surely she was doing it often enough throughout the day that Mike got to see her do it, but she was still not letting me see it. I begged her. I set up the video camera and left the room. Nothing. She knew I was watching! Until finally just this past Thursday (January 7th) she gave me the big show! She can’t always get the elbow thing together, but she’s getting more consistent with it. Unlike Madison, Melia has only recently, that being in the past week or so, showed a true interest in rolling over. Up until now, she would try for a second, realize that it would take a lot of effort to get it done and she’d immediately, and happily, give up. She was content with just staying where she was and not striving for that extra goal. But now, she’s so determined to roll over that she’s trying to cheat! Yup, told you she’s a trouble maker – she’s cheating already! She will grab onto the bar of the playmat, the side of the playgym or even grab on to Madison’s hand to try to pull herself over. This move is smart, but sneaky. Haha.

On December 10th we tried spoon feeding for the first time. I've been putting oatmeal in their bottles for months now, and even though they were chronologically 6 months old, but actually about 3 months old developmentally, our pediatrician wanted us to give spoon feeding a whirl and see how they did. It didn't go so well. They both had no idea what to do with the goop in their mouths (which was rice cereal by the way) and they couldn't really understand that we wanted them to open their mouths when the spoon approached. Now that they're another month old, and love putting things in their mouths, we're trying again. Melia seems to be getting it, kind of. Maddie still wants nothing to do with it - but, it's a work in progress. We'll get there.

Another thing we learned is that Maddie loves to be scared! This video says it all….

And to the contrary, Melia is definitely not a fan of the daddy says boo game! I was uploading that video on the computer and had Melia on my lap. As the video came up and played, Melia started watching it and immediately started crying hysterically. She was so terrified – just by watching Mike on video scaring Maddie. I felt so bad for her, but couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction to it. (Okay, so maybe we see where Melia gets her evil streak from) ;-)

The girls had their final appointment with the gastroenterologist on December 29th. Dr. Sunaryo declared them gastro graduates and doesn’t need to see them anymore! What great news! He was so happy with their weight gain since their last appointment a couple months ago – and they hadn’t taken their Pepcid since about December 8th and hadn’t had any acid reflux episodes, so he officially took them off of the Pepcid.

Then of course the girls have been to the pediatrician twice since I last blogged for their synagis shot (RSV vaccine). It’s so amazing to see the girls personalities even shine through in a moment like that. Maddie handles getting shots so much better than Melia does – and we attribute that to all that she had been through in the NICU. Melia sailed right through without a single procedure and so I don’t think that she can handle the poking and proding quite as well as Maddie does. At their last appointment, just this past Thursday (January 7th) they had to get the synagis shot broken up into two injections because of their weight. The have both been doing so well with their weight gain. As of Thursday, Maddie is weighing in at 13lbs 7oz and Melia is 14lbs 11oz – still a little more than one pound between them, but recently we can visibly notice that Maddie is catching up to Lia! They’re in size 2 diapers now and wearing 3-6 month clothing, leaning towards the 6 month side. They turned 7 months old on Tuesday (January 5th) and while they’re developmental skills are definitely parallel to where they should be according to their adjusted age of 4 months, they seem to be catching up size-wise to their chronological age.

The last month has been a busy one with the synagis appointments and other doctor appointments, and of course, with the girls’ first Christmas! We decided not to get professional pictures done for their first Christmas pictures, and in the picture to the right, Melia is proving exactly why we made that decision. Mike worked his usual 24 hour shift on Christmas Eve, and I worked also, but only for what boiled down to a half day. The girls and I spent Christmas Eve at Grandpa and Grandma Rosie’s house and we had a great dinner and the girls got their first Christmas gifts. Christmas morning Mike got home at about 7am and we exchanged our gifts while the girls were still sleeping. Then when they let us know that they were ready to see what santa left them under the tree, we did just that. With their new love of grabbing, I was able to get them to grab a piece of wrapping paper so I could make them “unwrap” their gifts. They obviously had no clue what was going on, but for Mike and I, it was a fantastic morning. I picked up Grandma (my mom) and brought her back to the house for breakfast. Then we all went to Aunt Riss and Uncle Joe’s for Christmas dinner. The day after Christmas was our busiest day, with lots of places to go. We started our day with breakfast at Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Tracy’s house, then had lunch with Aunt Gel and Uncle Bri and then made our last stop for dinner at Nana’s. It was an exhausting, but fun day and the girls handled the car rides, the being off schedule and the general chaos remarkably well.

Lia on the left and Maddie on the right

The two best gifts I've ever had under my tree

We did make a quick trip to the mall to get a picture with Santa,

unfortunately, all 3 of them look pretty uninterested.

Christmas night...Lia on left, Maddie on right

Maddie on Christmas Eve

Lia on Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve

Lia on left, Maddie on right

Christmas afternoon

Lia on left, Maddie on right
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On New Years Eve we stayed in – just the 4 of us. Mike and I made dinner and had a little at home date night – spending a lot of time reminiscing about the craziness of the past year – 2009 had more ups and downs than I can count – to call it a roller coaster would be a complete understatement. From preterm labor at 23 weeks into my pregnancy, multiple hospitalizations with me ultimately becoming a permanent resident of the high risk anti-partum unit at St. Barnabas, going into true labor and delivering the girls by way of an emergency c-section on June 5th, at 29 weeks 1day gestation, 8 full weeks of watching our little girls fight their way through the NICU, bringing them home and learning how to become a real parent, and not just a hospital parent, constant doctor appointments, formula issues, milk allergies, figuring it all out, apnea monitors, an overnight stay at the hospital for Maddie’s blood transfusion, an emergency room visit for Maddie for possible RSV…the list of what we’ve been through this year just goes on and on. But as we look back, we can’t be anything other than thankful for where we are, going into 2010. There were times over the past year, during my pregnancy and then during their first few weeks of life, that I really didn’t know if we would all make it through. But we did. We all did. And 10 days into 2010, I can already see what an amazing year this is going to be as we watch Maddie and Lia grow, learn, and develop their personalities. I just can’t wait to know the person that each of them will become.

A month of firsts...

So it turns out that no matter what my intentions are, I just can't manage to blog nearly as often as I'd like to. Again, I am going to try my best to keep up at a better pace. People continually ask when I'm going to post an update, and I always feel bad when I don't keep up, but time is not something that I have extra of these days.


I'll try to make this short and sweet - giving as many details as possible on the past month without making this too long and unbareable to read, but I feel like the girls have done so much in the past few weeks that it might be hard to keep it short...let's see...


First Halloween...


We left off right before Halloween. The girls will kill me when they grow up for these costumes...

Maddie is the hotdog and Melia is the mustard. We wanted to coordinate the costumes. I originally wanted to do a hamburger and french fries, but that costume wasn't as readily available - so hotdog and mustard it was. It was pretty adorable if I do say so myself. The biggest problem I had on Halloween was the weather. Here I am with the girls dressed in heavy fleece costumes and it was abot 70 degrees out! Of course, we had to make our rounds, going to Aunt Marissa's salon, Nana's house, Grandpa's house and then Aunt Marissa's house to see Uncle Joey and their cousins - so the girls spent a lot of time getting in and out of the car - literally sweating. They handled it so well though. They really are very happy babies - we are very lucky! They wake up talking in the morning and I can listen to it for hours - of course, it would never quite last that long - after about 15 minutes, the talking turns to crying - but on the weekends when I get to be home when they wake up, I love waking up to the sound of them talking back and forth across the room to each other. Madison is more vocal than Melia...she seemingly has a lot more to say, which doesn't surprise me...she's always been the busy-body and I think she'll be the gossip queen. ;-) They are sleeping for about 12 hours overnight now - going down between 8-9pm and sleeping until 8-9am. We've started them on a nap schedule too with them going down immediately after lunch (around 12:30pm and they're napping for 2-3hours). They're eating 6oz every 4 hours now - I just started with the 6oz about a week ago because after certain feedings it seemed like 4 oz wasn't enough. They're not taking the full 6oz at every feeding, but they are for the most part. The dinner feeding (between 4pm-5pm) is consistently their worst feeding of the day. They'll take 3-4oz of that feeding, but they'll usually take their full bottles for the rest of the day. I've been putting 3 scoops of oatmeal in each bottle and they really seem to do well with that. It's funny, they had their check-up and immunizations on November 5th and the pediatrician talked to us about starting them on cereal in December (once they turn 6 months chronologically) and I was a total chicken and didn't tell him that I already started them on oatmeal (in their bottles only, they're not spoon feeding yet, though the doctor wants us to give it a try in early December). He was so insistent about them starting off on rice - and I just didn't want to get into it - the girls are doing so well with it that I figure there's no need for him to know. ;-) At this check-up they had their weights taken for the first time in a while. Madison was 10lbs 9oz and 22 1/2 inches long. Melia was 11lbs 12oz and 23 inches long. They are weighing and measuring great, with Maddie right at the 50th percentile and Lia just above it. It's amazing though how with only a 1/2 inch and a little over 1lb difference between them, there seems to be such a big difference when holding them. The doctor was very happy with their developmental skills, their ability to hold their heads up and their trunk & leg strength. Also at this check-up they got their second round of immunizations and their first synagis shot (the RSV vaccine). They were so tired and as they were falling asleep they got their shots - which seemed to work well for Melia since she got annoyed by the pinch but went right back to sleep, meanwhile Madison did not appreciate being woken up in such a manner and she totally freaked her freak - poor baby - I'll never get used to watching that - but all-in-all they both handled it well. We go back on Thursday for another synagis shot - unfortunately, that vaccine is only good for 30 days, so every 30 days during RSV season (November-April) they'll have to go back for a shot.

First overnighter...


Two weekends ago we had our first overnighter away from the girls, well, I guess that's not technically true since we spent the first 8 weeks of their lives away from them overnight, but you know what I mean. Mike planned a surpise party for my 30th birthday and got a hotel room for us to get a night away. Because of my crazy control freak ways he did end up telling me about the party, but didn't tell me any of the details, like where it was or who would be there. But he felt like he needed to tell me about it in advance because had he sprung an overnighter away from the girls on me, I would've panicked if I wasn't fully prepared. He arranged for my dad to stay at our house for the night so the girls would be home, which also made me much more at ease. The girls, Grandpa, Grandma Rosie, mommy and daddy all did just fine! I wasn't worried at all. I had a great night out and the girls were excellent - or at least that's what we were told.  ;-)  And for the first time that night, Melia held her bottle on her own for an entire feeding! I go away for one night and she does this! I guess that was my punishment. ;-)  She'll teach me to go away without her!

First Thanksgiving...

Last year on Thanksgiving Day I spent my morning in the hospital having the first part of the IVF procedure, the egg retrieval - and I spent my afternoon in bed. Mike was working, so he had taken the morning off to be with me at the retrieval and then went to work. Neither of our familes (with the exception of Marissa) knew that we were even thinking about concieving, so I told my family that I was having dinner with my in-laws and I told my in-laws that I was having dinner with my family - meanwhile, I was home and had a plate of turkey with all the fixins delivered to me bedside by Marissa. It's crazy to think back to one year ago and know that at that point I was just thankful that my doctors were willing to help me try to concieve given my late stage of endometriosis. I was thankful for my doctor's optimism and the mere idea of being able to get pregnant. One year later we've been through so much to get where we are now and I couldn't possibly be more thankful that my children are here and HEALTHY! Thanksgiving will always be special to me because it will forever represent my children - it is the day that they were concieved, albeit unconventionally. This year Mike had to work again, and I really wish that he was home. I picked Grandma up in the morning and brought her back to my house for a dinner with just us. Of course, we stopped by the firehouse to see daddy. And we ended our day at Grandpa and Grandma Rosie's house. It was a busy day toting around the girls on my own and I look forward to 2011 when Mike is finally not working on Thanksgiving!

First Christmas decorating day of fun...


The day after Thanksgiving we put up our Christmas tree and other decorations. We put the girls in their bouncers and I introduced them to my favorite Christmas movie - classic Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer...I really can't get enough of that movie and the poor girls are going to learn to love it, or end up hating it. Haha. After that was over they watched their first baby einstein video, Santa's music box. I have to say, baby einstein is odd - but they were into it. Between the video and the lights on the tree, they didn't know where to look first. I decorated the tree and enjoyed one of the last years that I'll have control over where the ornaments go. ;-)


Other miscellaneous firsts and soon to come firsts...


The girls are now smiling ALL THE TIME! Even Madison who used to make us work for smiles is smiling now just for fun...and now, they're laughing out loud too. They're not extremely consistent with it...something that might make them laugh now, might not make them laugh 2 minutes from now...but they are laughing on a regular basis and it's pretty much the cutest thing ever! Yes, ever!


On Thanksgiving night Madison legitimately attempted to roll over for the first time. I woke up at about 5am and went to check on them. They're still sleeping propped up on their boppy pillows because of their acid reflux, but now that seems to be very much under control so I've been saying that I want to start trying to sleep them flat. So when I went to check on them, they'd both slid down off of their boppies and were just about flat, so I took the boppies away for what would be the last few hours of their night. Melia did fine with this. Madison on the other hand took this as a green light to roll around and all swaddled up tried to roll over. About 15 minutes after laying her flat I heard the cries of discomfort and when I went into the nursery Madison has herself in a crazy position that she landed in and couldn't get herself out of after attempting to roll over. So, lesson learned there - if I start sleeping them flat, the sleep positioners will be key! Since then, for the past couple days, they've both been spending a large part of their days on their activity mat and they're both trying sooooo hard to roll over. Madison gets so frustrated when she can't do it. Melia seems bothered, but deals with it much better than Madison does. They are both really close to being able to do it - that is a first that is not too long off!

Yesterday Melia intentionally grabbed for a toy for the first time. We've been working with them on this and yesterday Melia had her eyes on this one toy that dangels from her activity mat for the longest time. I danced it around in front of her for a while and sure enough she reached for it. I left her there for a few minutes to go do some laundry (story of my life lately) and when I came back the toy was on the floor with her - she had pulled it straight down and off of the bar. They've both learned to pull their binkies out of their mouths - if only they'd learn how to put them back in! Madison now will intentionally pull out her binky and then shove her entire hand in her mouth. I'm trying not to encourage this habit, but there's no use - this little girl has a mind of her own.

Next on the agenda is the first spoon feeding as recommended by the pediatrician...we'll see how that goes!

A month of catch-up....

It's been such a long time since I've blogged. I've been meaning to do it every day for the past month, but there has been so little time for much of anything lately. I hope everyone is still following along.

I'd like to start off by thanking everyone soooo very much for all of your support for the Miracle Walk. The walk was a huge success with over 2000 walkers almost $300,000 raised! The Preemie Dream team exceeded our team goal and raised over $3,300! The outshowing of support was amazing and I can't thank everyone enough for showing us so much love and support!

When we left off, the girls had just gone to their first appointment at the high risk infant follow-up clinic. Melia was taken off of the apnea monitor that day (though we kept her on it until the company picked it up on October 13th, so really, October 12th was her last day on the monitor because I cheated and got some extra time in ;-)). When they came on October 13th, they downloaded Maddie's monitor and I got the call that Thursday, that Maddie was ready to come off the monitor too. This time I didn't cheat - I stopped using the monitor that same night and even though the company hasn't picked it up yet, I still haven't used it. I'm proud of myself for being able to let go before it was ripped out of my hands. But the fact of the matter is that I know that she doesn't need it anymore - and I'm trying to get my neurosis in check. ;-)

The day after their high risk clinic appointment, they went to the gastroenterologist and Dr. Sunaryo was very pleased with their weight gain - Maddie weighing 8lbs 7oz and Lia weighing 9lbs 11oz (that was over 3 weeks ago on September 29th, so I'm not sure what their weights are now). He confirmed that the girls do both have an allergy to milk (which they'll hopefully grow out of by the time they hit their 1st birthday) and he increased their Pepcid to .4mls two times per day. It's amazing how different they've been since getting their formulas and Pepcid amounts straightened out. The hardly spit up at all anymore and their reflux episodes are few and far between - in fact, I can't even remember that last time that Maddie had one - though Melia has had them more frequently than she used to,  but still not often enough to be a major problem or concern. Our next appointment with Dr. Sunaryo isn't until January - and at that point he said that he'll try to start weening the girls off of the Pepcid.

They really are such good babies! They've been sleeping through the night very consistently, though I'm now trying to get them to go down a little earlier, so that's creating a bit of a hiccup in the over-night sleep pattern, but nothing significant - and I guess it's my own fault for trying to put them down earlier. If I put them down anywhere between 10pm and midnight, they'll sleep through the night without so much as crying for their binkies until past 9am - sometimes, to the point where we need to wake them up and get the feedings started in order to get enough food in them for the day - but if I try to put them down earlier, even slightly earlier, like 9:30pm, they're up somewhere between 3am and 5am - even then, a couple cries for the binky and they'll go back to sleep until 7-8am, but it's not uninterrupted sleep that they'll give if they go down a little later. Last week I started putting a bit of oatmeal into their last bottle at night, hoping that having a little extra substance in their tummies will help me pull off an uninterrupted overnighter beginning at 9pm, or dare I say, even earlier, but it hasn't quite done the trick - so we're tweeking things and eventually they'll get it down. But still, I can't complain with the fact that I can get uninterrupted sleep most nights as long as I let my little party animals stay up late. ;-)

I went back to work on October 13th and now I'm adjusting to yet another new routine. Seems like everytime I get accustomed to one, something changes and I have another one to adjust to - and I'm sure that cycle will continue for quite some time. I have to say, it felt good to go back to work. I feel guilty every time I say that outloud. There's this stigma attached to a working mom - like she should really be home caring for her children and if she's not, because either she needs to work to assist in the financial support of the family or because she actually wants to work - then she should be sitting at her desk crying her eyes out. There is this pressure attached to going back to work - everyone expecting you to cry and be miserable. I didn't cry once - I still haven't, and for some reason people make me feel guilty about that. I fall into both of those categories (needing to work and wanting to work) and it makes some people look at me sideways because I'm not that mother sitting at her desk crying about not being home with her children. My first day back at work wasn't painful for me at all. My girls were home with their father and being very well taken care of. I missed them of course - and I drove a little faster than I used to driving home from work that night because I was so anxious to get home and see them - but it felt good to be back at work. It helps that I love my job and my coworkers are my friends, who I also missed and wanted to see - plus, I need that professionalism - that adult conversation/interaction every day - I need to wake up, get dressed, wear high heels and commute to work - my professional side is a huge part of who I am and even though being a mother is also a huge part of who I am, it's not the only thing that I am - and I think that there's enough of me to wear both hats and not have to sacrifice either side of me. The fact of that matter is, that regardless of whether you're a working mother or a stay-at-home mom, you're missing out on something - you're either missing out on that professional side of who you are, or you're missing out on the joy of seeing every single thing that your children do each moment of every day. I consider myself fortunate to be able to go to work everyday and know that my girls are home with their daddy just about every day of the week. With the way that Mike's schedule falls, he's home all but 2 days/week - and with my 4 day work week, it only leaves the girls being watched by someone other than us just 1 day per week - and those days they're watched by Mike's sister or Mike's mother. They are always watched by family and I know that this makes my adjustment to work significantly easier. If I had to take them to daycare everyday, I'm sure I would rather be home and I'd be willing to sacrifice that professional side of me, or I'd be crying at my desk - but the fact of the matter is that in my case, I'm extremely lucky to be able to have the best of both worlds. I also think that my experience as a NICU parent as helped this adjustment. Unlike most mothers, I had to leave my children every single day/night for 8 weeks. Finally getting them home was a huge joy for me, and at first, I didn't want them out of my sight because I had 8 weeks of constant holding and loving to catch up on. But truthfully, if I could leave them every day for the first 8 weeks of their life with total strangers taking care of them (qualified or not, they were strangers nonetheless), then I can leave them 4 days per week with their daddy, auntie or nana.

Now, for the fun stuff...here's what the girls have been up to...

Madison started smiling the same night that I sent the last blog. I guess she didn't like me blogging about Melia's smiles, so she made sure to do the same. Her smiles have gotten more consistent in recent days, though Maddie is our serious baby. She makes us work for smiles - sometimes it literally takes a song and dance, but she'll do it when we finally do something that she likes. When she wants something, she doesn't cry - she shrieks - loudly! She's very dramatic and goes from  level 1 to level 100 in 2 seconds flat. She loves to look at herself in the mirror, like the true diva that she is. When she goes down to bed at night, she doesn't make a peep - she just lays there quietly even if she's not tired and will eventually go to sleep. She seems pretty independent, rarely crying just because she wants to be held. Most times she can take or leave her binky - she's not very attached to it yet and actually prefers not to have it when she goes to sleep at night. She still doesn't care to eat most times. Sometimes she'll surprise us and take a full 4oz bottle, but for the most part she'll only take about 3oz (every 4 hrs).

and to the exact contrary, let's talk about Melia....

Melia started smiling just before I sent the last blog and she is steady smiling all day long! She's such a happy baby! She gives away smiles for free all day long, starting from the moment she wakes up in the morning. She still only cries when she needs something, mostly when she's hungry or when she wants to be held. She's turned into our needy one in that regard - she needs to be held more often recently and likes to snuggle. If she's not tired at bedtime, she demands to be rocked - though only for a few minutes - it's like she just needs a few last minute cuddles before she's ready to call it a night. She enjoys sucking on her binky and NEEDS to have it to sleep at night. She's still our hungry one - rarely leaving so much as a drop leftover in her bottle. A funny thing that she does, is when it's time to eat we always change her diaper immediately before eating - if she's crying because she's hungry - I mean, she can be screaming bloody murder - but once we put her on the changing table, she stops crying and starts to smile - she knows that if she sits through a diaper change, that the next step will be food. It never ceases to amaze us - she does this every single time. I swear Melia genuinely laughed last week, but I haven't been able to get her to do it since, so maybe it was a fluke.

They share the same dna, they shared the same living space for 29 weeks and they share the same experiences at home - yet they are just about total opposites of each other. A few similarities would be these:  one thing that they consistently still both enjoy is the swing - it's the calming force in the house, and luckily, we have two! The one swing has a mobile that turns and has a light show with stars that circle around - it's so cute how every time we put them in the swing, they look up and wait for the light show to start circling around.  Neither one of them are big fans of tummy time, but they're doing it and doing great with pushing themselves up and holding their heads up. Neither one of them have much hair yet, though Melia has a little more than Madison. They both hate being in their car seats and start freaking out the second that the car stops moving. If I stop at a red light, or God forbid, for gas - forget about it - it's scream-a-palooza in the backseat, but the second the car starts moving, they're totally quiet - it's amazing. At this point, I look for bumps to go over just to make them happy in the car - the bumpier the ride, the better. Haha. They are both so interactive and so much fun. I just can't get enough of them!

**noteable mommy/daddy exchange - the week before I went back to work I was in the kitchen cleaning up and Mike called me downstairs. He was folding laundry and asked me to show him how I like the girls laundry to be folded. I thought this was adorable. Knowing what an anal retentive control freak I am, he knew that if things weren't folded a certain way, that I'd just go behind him and re-do it - so to prevent that he wanted to do it the way that I wanted it done so that I he could take care of the laundry during his days off while he's home with the girls. So I held an inpromptu laundry folding class. Fast forward one week...

mommy - hey Mike, I was just up in the girls room and three of the onsies in the drawer are folded inside out
daddy - okay
mommy - um, why would you fold a shirt that's inside out?
daddy - what's the difference? just turn it right side out when you put it on them
mommy - there's actually a huge difference - why wouldn't you do that when you fold it
daddy - (laughing) really?? a HUGE difference
mommy - um, yes
daddy - okay
mommy - okay, i'll be doing the laundry from now on

Haha. Oh well, it's the thought that counts right? ;-)

**cute Melia story - So last night was one of the nights that I attempted to put the girl down earlier than usual. By 9:30pm they were in their cribs and by 10pm I'd say they were both legitimately sleeping. At 3am Melia starting crying. So I got up, went to the nursery, gave her the binky and walked away. I make it a point to just give her the binky and walk away. I barely make eye contact because I don't want her to start crying to be held. This happens again at about 3:10am. Then, at about 3:15am she does it again...so for the third time I walk into the room and give her the binky - and the second I got over to the crib, she gave me this huge smile. It took everything I had inside of me to not smile back, to just give her the binky and walk away! I wanted so badly to pick her up and give her hugs and kisses at that moment. It was the cutest thing!

***check out the pictures in the blog posted right before this one***

PICTURES

The girls first pumpkin picking outing...they were like little balls of mush next tothe pumpkins....

Our Miracle Walk Team - The Preemie Dream Team

Thr girls were ready to walk....

The girls playing in their play palace...

And the next two pictures are two of my favorite pictures to date....

Madison hugging Melia while they were sleeping...

Classic happy Melia...

Getting back on track....

So it's been a week since the Maddie being taken to the ER fiasco and I THINK we've managed to get her back on track. I'm still not sure exactly what her issue was, but it seems that a suppository here & there and a stage 3 nipple here & there have done the trick. Also, my mother suggested that I switch the girls to an every 4 hour feeding schedule, so I threw that into the mix as well - and all things combined seem to have created the cocktail that Maddie needed. Now that she's waiting 4 hours to be fed, she's much more hungry and takes her bottle much easier than before. I guess she really wasn't hungry every 3 hours anymore. And for those feedings where she still gives me trouble, I'll start her off with a stage 2 nipple and switch over to a stage 3 if she gets tired towards the end of the bottle. I talked to my pediatrician and the nurse coordinator at St. Barnabas about this and they both say that while it's a bit of a strange request for Madison to make, it's worth the inconvenience if it makes her willing to finish her bottles. I'm giving her suppositories every few days and that is definitely making a difference in her general disposition. Maddie would do a lot of grunting throughout the day. In the NICU they called it the "preemie grunts" - but Melia stopped doing this about a month ago and Maddie just kept on growling at us, as I called it. I guess this was a result of her trying to move her bowels, because ever since I started the suppositories she's been growling a lot less, hardly at all actually, and her herniated belly button has gone down drastically. My pediatrician still isn't a big fan of me using the suppositories, but the doctors and nurses at the hospital not only suggested it, but recommend it, if Maddie isn't pooping every day - and by pooping, they mean filling a diaper. It's hard to figure out what the right thing is to do when you have so many doctors with different ways of doing things in the mix. So I'm taking all of the suggestions and figuring out what's best by trial and error. What we're doing now is working, so I'm sticking to it until it doesn't work anymore.

The girls had their first high risk infant follow up appointment at St. Barnabas today. This follow up is designed for babies that are expected to have delayed milestones. Madison was put into this high risk category due to her birth weight, and while Melia missed the cut-off to be officially classified as high risk, she's been put into this category anyway based on the fact that she's a twin. The clinic doesn't like to break up twins, so they'll follow them both for the next 2 years to make sure that they are meeting milestones at an appropriate stage in regard to their adjusted age. So today was their first appointment and we weren't really sure what to expect. First they weighed and measured them (just like they used to do at the apnea clinic - and I'll get to the apnea monitors in a minute) - Madison is weighing in at 8lbs 5oz and 21 3/4inches - Melia is weighing in at 9lbs 10oz and 22 inches. I'm surprised that Melia isn't over 10lbs, but it's okay because it's helping Madison catch up! Maddie is now only 1lb 5oz and 1/4 inch behind Melia! For the first time on Saturday Mike was taking pictures and he said that he really felt like they looked similar in size as they were side by side. So our little Maddie is moving on up! After being weighed and measured, Dr. Kamtorn gave both girls a quick exam and was very happy with how big and healthy they are. Then we met the occupational therapist, Kim. She put each of the girls on a mat on the floor and moved their arms, legs and heads to test their muscle strength. She put the girl on their tummies to see how well they hold up and control their heads. She laid them on their backs and had them track audio and visual targets with their eyes. Kim was very happy with where both girls are and said that they are exactly where they are supposed to be for their adjusted developmental age. She gave us some homework - over the next few months we have to work with the girls doing certain things to help the girls along developmentally and keep things moving in the right direction. Our next appointment isn't until January, so hopefully they'll meet all of the requirements for their adjusted age at that point and do as well as they did today.

While we were there, we had their apnea monitors downloaded and reviewed. Melia's download was free of any true events - so we decided that it's a good time to take her off of the monitor - so the monitor company should be contacting me in the next day or so to come pick up her monitor. This makes me nervous, I'm not going to lie. But she hasn't had an event in over 3 weeks, so to keep her on it wouldn't make much sense. I have to let go of the monitors eventually, so, I suppose there's no time like the present. Don't get me wrong though, even though she's technically supposed to be off of the monitor as of today, I will use it for the next couple of nights until they come pick it up. Madison, on the other hand, in true Maddie fashion continues to keep things interesting. According to the download, she didn't have a true event in 2 weeks - until THIS MORNING! This morning, at 6:21am, sure enough she had a true apnea episode. What are the odds? Maybe Maddie realized that mommy wouldn't be able to handle both girls coming off of the monitors at the same time. So she gave me 2 more weeks of that security blanket with her, so I can adjust to Melia being monitor free. Madison will have her monitor downloaded again on October 13th - and provided that she doesn't have any events between now and then, she'll be taken off of the monitor at that point.

Madison says, "Mommy, no pictures please!" and Melia, as usual will try to eat anything near her mouth!

**noteable milestones - Melia has landed on her first developmental milestone! She has developed her social smile! She's not doing it all the time, but when she does, her smile lights up the room! I had noticed her smiling here and there lately, but wasn't quite sure if I could classify it as her social smile, but Dr. Kamtorn noticed it while she was doing her exam on Melia today and after a few cute smiles from Melia, Dr. Kamtorn confirmed that these smiles were the real deal. And, the girls are officially sleeping through the night - always going a nice 6-7 hour stretch, so as long as we put them down after a late night feeding (10-11pm), they'll sleep until about 7am, sometimes even later. At this point, they rarely stir in the middle of the night, so I don't even have to get up and give them their binkies. We're talking 6-7 hours of solid, uninterrupted sleep. It's a beautiful thing!

**noteable poop story - So Mike took Melia upstairs for a diaper change before her afternoon feeding and after he was up there for a little over 5 minutes, he yells down the stairs and asks me where the changing pad covers are - so I know that something fun must've happened. So I went upstairs to get the scoop. Sure enough, she had pooped and made a sloppy mess of herself - but that wasn't the issue. Mid-diaper change she started to spit up and choke a little bit, so as Mike moved his attention to her upper body to help her work through that and then clean up that aftermath, she started to pee - and of course, this was minus a diaper under her butt since daddy didn't have time to put one under her as she was choking and needed his help elsewhere. So now she's pooped, puked and peed all over the changing pad and all over herself - the changing pad cover needed to be changed, and so did her outfit - and daddy's hands needed a good, long scrubbing. ;-)

Fun times at the beach and not so fun times at the hospital....

When we left off, the girls were venturing off into the nursery for their first night of sleeping in their cribs - and it went very well! The girls slept through the night with a nice 6 hour stretch! They stirred a couple times, wanting their binkies, so I'd get up and put the binky back in their mouths, and they'd go right back to sleep. I can't say that I slept soundly, but I really don't expect to sleep soundly again until, well, probably never. So it's been a full week now and we're in the routine with sleeping in the nursery. Most nights the girls are sleeping for 6-7 hour stretches. Both Madison and Melia have played a trick here and there, on separate nights of course, demanding food at 3 or 4am - BUT, when they do that, we'll feed them as requested and they'll go right back to sleep for another 5 or 6 hours. There have actually been a couple mornings where I'm awake before the girls!

We still have the girls on the apnea monitors, though truthfully, they don't really need them anymore. Their monitors were downloaded last Tuesday and by Thursday I got the call from the apnea clinic letting us know that the girls could come off the monitors if we (being mommy and daddy) were ready for such a transition. According to the download, the girls have had very few true events in recent weeks and since they are now 4 weeks past their due date, it's considered safe to take them off the monitors. But, enter neurotic mommy and I requested that they stay on them just a bit longer. At the time that I had this conversation, the girls had only been in the nursery for 2 nights and I really needed more time with my apnea monitor security blanket.  So we decided to keep the girls on the monitors (during the night only) for another 2 weeks. The alarms rarely go off - and when they do, it's much more of a pain to jump up and go to the next room rather than just lift my head and check on them right next to me, but having the security of knowing that the alarm will notify me if something is wrong has really helped me with the nursery transition and  it's worth getting up for. I'd rather have them there, than not - I'm just not really to let go of that security blanket yet.

I've been having a serious case of cabin fever lately. Being out of work and literally just staying home with the girls has had me in a place reminiscent of being on bedrest - feeling bored and unable to do the things that I'd like to do. The only things we're really allowed to do with the girls, are take them to outdoor places, but the weather has been so screwy around here that even a trip to the park has been just about impossible. On Friday I insisted that we get out of the house. I really wanted to take the girls outside for some fresh air, since soon enough, we won't even be able to do that. So we decided to take a trip to Point Pleasant and introduce the girls to the beach and boardwalk - it was the perfect day for it. It's amazing how people flock to a couple walking around with twins. I hate this attention. Mike, on the other hand, loves this attention. A wedding party there actually wanted to get their pictures taken with the girls. How random is that? People just love twins! So many people would ask how old they were and when I would say "15 weeks" or "just about 4 months" their reactions were all the same - "oh my God, they're soooo tiny!" - I found myself feeling the need to explain. Finally I decided to just use their adjusted age of 5 weeks, so that the size of my children would make sense to other people and I wouldn't need to explain their story. 

We had lunch outside at the Tiki Bar. As our french fries got cold because the girls decided that they wanted to eat a half hour early - as we sat there feeding them instead of feeding ourselves, we laughed at how much things have changed. This time last year, a trip to the Tiki Bar would've been a completely different experience! After lunch we walked the boardwalk and  took a quick stroll on the beach just to take some pictures. The sun, while it was only about 70 degrees and wasn't very hot, seemed to be bothering the girls eyes - and we didn't want to be out in the sun too long anyway. Mike won some stuffed animals for the girls - a little stuffed dinosaur for Melia and a BIG stuffed pug for Maddie. The pug was fitting for Maddie since her acid reflux always has her sounding congested, and we always say that she breathes like a pug. ;-) Poor little Madster!

And speaking of - the poor little Madster has been keeping things interesting around here. She started giving me problems taking her formula on Sunday. All day long she wouldn't take more than 1 or 2 ounces at a time. She has always been our fussy eater, but on Sunday she took it to a whole new level. I really couldn't figure out what the issue was. As far as I was concerned, she wasn't constipated because she had just pooped that morning, so being "backed up" shouldn't have been an issue that would effect her eating. I started thinking that maybe she needed to be moved to the next stage nipple on her bottle, but then I figured that couldn't be the case because she just went on stage 2 nipples a couple weeks ago and a stage 3 nipple is made for 6+ months - and developmentally, Maddie is still only a 5 week old, so she really shouldn't even be on the stage 2 nipples that are made for 3 month olds. So I talked myself out of the idea that she needed a different nipple and figured maybe she was just having a bad day. But the next morning Mike became concerned about her congestion. I never really get too concerned about her congestion, because like I said before, we never really believe it to be true congestion and we always just chalk it up to her acid reflux. But Mike made the point that her last feeding was at 2am (he stayed up late and fed her as late as possible in an effort to get her hungry before feeding in the hopes that she'd take a full bottle) - and now it was 10am. So 7 hours had passed and she really shouldn't have been having reflux 7 hours after her last feeding. Good point. So, I called the pediatrician and made an appointment for her. I was reluctant to make the appointment because really, she looked fine. But Maddie having feeding issues can lead to weight loss, which would be a significant problem for her. So between that and the fact that at this point I wasn't sure if I could blame her congestion on acid reflux, I figured we were better safe than sorry. When Dr. Luke (the pediatrician) came into the exam room, I told him that we'd probably jumped the gun, but I just wanted her looked at. I was not at all expecting what happened next. He apparently didn't think we'd jumped the gun and felt that her breathing was rapid and labored. That combined with her feeding issues and the fact that he witnessed her spit up a few times while in the office, made him extremely concerned. He feared that she had come down with RSV and sent us straight to the emergency room. I couldn't believe this. I had just spent my morning on the phone with my insurance company regarding the girls' RSV vaccination (they need a vaccine every month from November through April), and here she may already have it. RSV (Respiratory syncytial virus) is a virus that causes infection in the lungs and breathing passages.  In adults, it may only produce symptoms of a common cold, such as a stuffy or runny nose, sore throat, mild headache, cough, fever, and a general feeling of being ill. But in premature babies, who have a lower immune system and premature lungs, RSV infections can lead to other more serious illnesses and even death. Often times, a premature baby with RSV ends up admitted into the hospital and placed back on CPAP or even a ventilator.  So when Dr. Luke expressed concern about a possible RSV infection, my heart dropped, my eyes filled with tears and I was in a complete panic. We went to the ER and after a few hours we found out that her chest xray was clear and her RSV test was negative - PHEW!! So then, what was the issue? At the time that I write this post, 2 days later, still no one knows. The ER doctors weren't concerned with her breathing patterns. They put her on the monitor and she was at 100% oxygen with room air. They believe that her rapid breathing is a result of her prematurity. As the one ER doctor said, if a full term newborn was breathing like that, they'd be concerned - but for a premature baby to breathe like that, it's not very alarming. I wish Dr. Luke had that same reaction! While at the ER they gave her pedialyte and she took it do in record speed. And they gave her a suppository and forced her to poop. Some of the doctors believe that maybe she was "backed up" and wasn't eating due to that. I didn't think this was an issue since she'd pooped Sunday morning, just before the feeding issues began - but they said that unless she's filling a diaper at least once a day, chances are there is still more in there - and due to her prematurity, her intenstines don't move her bowels as well as a full term baby - so constipation for her is a different issue than constipation in a full term baby. We left the ER without any real answers - maybe it's a cold, maybe she's constipated, maybe she's just a fussy eater and is looking for a new type of formula or bottle. So I spent the whole day yesterday experimenting with different things to try to figure out where this new feeding issue is coming from. When we give her pedialyte, she takes it, so I began to wonder if she was getting sick of the nasty tasty of her prescription formula - so I started mixing her prescription formula with her old formula to give it a taste boost - didn't work. I tried to make her poop again - she pooped, but it didn't make her any more likely to eat. The doctor had me giver her Mylanta one hour before eating - didn't work. I tried a totally new type of bottle - didn't work. Finally I went back to the thing that I contemplated trying in the very beginning - I changed her to a stage 3 nipple and VOILA! She took 4oz in no time. Since then I've been switching back and forth between the stage 2 and stage 3 nipples - apparently sometimes she wants to move quickly and other times she wants to take her time. This kid is HIGH MAINTENANCE! So, I'm not really sure what did the trick - the nipple switch seemed to be the last factor when we noticed a difference, but I guess it couldn't been a combination of all of my experiments. Who knows. For now, things are getting back on track. Maddie has been taking all of her formula for the past 5 feedings. Hopefully, she'll stay on track. Today, Melia has been coughing - so I'm pretty sure that even if Maddie is out of the woods, mommy isn't.


The whole Maddie going to the ER thing has been eye-opening.  I make fun of myself for being this neurotic, overbearing, crazy mom that I never thought I'd be. But truthfully, I need to be this way for the safety of my children. People don't get it. And really, unless you too are the mother of a premature baby, I don't think people can or will get it. While the girls are full term and almost 6 weeks past their due date now - and they look like "normal" newborn babies - we have to remember that the mere fact that they were born premature makes them different. Their lungs, intestines and other major organs are still premature. Their immune systems are still very compromised and we have to safe-guard them as much as we can. They require special care. So people can think that I'm neurotic or overbearing, or even crazy - but the fact of the matter is that I'm protecting my children they way that they need to be protected. For those people who don't understand that and still think I'm just over-reacting, I really don't care - you can call me crazy - and I'll call you, ignorant.